"You'll be Damned if you do, and Damned if you don't." - Eleanor Roosevelt

Lying in bed exhausted, not ready to go to sleep. The full moon is upon us, and I just got home 2 hours ago from my clay class (although it feels more like 1 hour), in which I spent making something to eat, updating my profile info on Facebook, and dedicating my life to tv watching a very low-budget show on obvious looking large fake snakes attacking humans on the earth. I guess I have been feeling sensitive lately, and perhaps it is because it is a full-moon, and because the moon is in my sign (Aquarius) and because I was born on a full-moon, and having my moon in Aquarius in my birthchart may have a contributing factor to why I am feeling this way. I try not to analyze it too much. But being sensitive during these cycles is not a bad thing. I am learning to embrace my sensitivity and use it in a creative way instead of a reacting way. One of the Angel cards in my deck from Doreen Virtue explains how sensitivity and the full-moon can be to your advantage (for someone like me who feels things easily) to start new things.
So, here I am writing this out. And it gives me a chance to express myself as I feel I cannot do that at work very much. You'd think working at an arts centre I can have that opportunity, but not sitting at the front desk all day, waiting for something to happen. There are times I am completely "energetically frozen" and long for something to do; to move, to think, to create. I cannot just sit there, and we as human beings are not called on this earth to sit there and do nothing. So, when I have those days, I like to use my time when I am not at work, creatively. I mean, after work I had the opportunity to be creative with clay, in which I made some awesome tiles I was enjoying very much. But I feel I also need that alone time to collect my thoughts and ideas throughout the day. I could write in a diary, but I am much faster at typing, and my mind tends to go on overdrive with these thoughts and ideas, so I find my fingers can keep up with my mind rather than my pen ;)
SO - What I was thinking of today was excuses. We make up lots of excuses throughout the day: It's raining, It's too cold/hot, It's too far, I'll do it tomorrow, etc. etc. Well I say, if you really wanted to do something, you wouldn't find excuses take over your desire, you would do it! Because what happens the next time it rains? You will make up excuses again and again and then months, years go by, and you will think "Why haven't I done this yet?" All because you thought something was standing in the way. Well the only thing standing in your way is you, and most often, we are standing in our way because of fear! It is really not because it is raining. It is really not because it is too cold/hot outside, just dress appropriately. If you really wanted something, you would let no outside circumstance stand in the way of your inner desire. Those outside circumstances just happen to be there to test you, and you notice them, and your mind quickly makes up that reason of why you can't do it. I say: "If you want something, you will let NOTHING get in your way!"
And I say this because I have had to do something in which I felt I had nothing. For example, I do not have a car, so I have to walk everywhere. Does that stop me from walking in -2 for 45 minutes to get groceries? No. I have no choice, and I have to eat. And I like the fresh air! ;) See I can see not having a car as most people see it as an inconvenience. My mind thinks it is, but on the other hand, I do like the outdoors, and I like the exercise.
Also, when I was moving out of my previous place I was renting, I had to clean it (as we all do when we move out of places) and the only time I could do that was after work. Well, the buses stop running at 6:30 pm. So one day, the big oven and shower scrubbing day, I took the bus after I got off work at 5 pm to my old place to clean. I brought my laundry to work in the morning because I was planning on doing laundry at my old place because my new place doesn't have laundry. After cleaning for 3 hours, I walked home at 8:30 pm, tired and hungry, carrying my big bag of laundry against the wind in -6 weather for 45 mins. I felt like a real trooper, and was proud of myself. I could be a whiner and say it was difficult. It was, but it is these experiences that make us stronger. I wanted to do these things. One reason was that I wanted my damage deposit back, and I respect other people's property. I also wanted to do my laundry, so I brought it with me and knew I was to carry it back. This is a minor example of going after what you want, but say if you wanted to travel China or find a girlfriend, you would research ways in how to do that. Then you would make a plan, and work on it, step by step.
For instance: I moved to the Okanagan because I wanted change. My main intention was change. Change in scenery, people, experience, perspective, and even change in myself. I have to be careful in what I wish for, because I just might get it! I set out that intention, made the plan, followed through (it is at the same time, exciting and scary, when you follow through with your actions, because you are excited to experience something new and think the best, but scary at the same time, because you don't know what to expect, and are scared to leave behind the familiar. But this is when growth takes place), and here I am, definitely finding myself in challenging situations, but liberating experiences. In the last 4 months, I have had 2 jobs, lost 1 job, got into a loving relationship that ended unexpectedly, and moved twice. I'm also finding it challenging (I keep erasing the word "hard") without a car in the winter. I am so accustomed to be and think independently growing up in the city, where buses are abundant. Here, not so much. I cannot go out after 6:30 pm unless I walk or ask someone for a ride. And I'm not much one to ask people for rides. Yesterday I asked my friend for a ride because I finished my volunteer orientation at the Performing Arts Centre, and she picked me up, and it seemed so much easier than an hour walk home (and was not too much of a bother on her!) So I have to get it out of my mind that I have to do everything on my own. I mean thinking that does tend to push myself harder when I'm not relying on people. But at the same time, it doesn't have to be hard, and I don't have to be hard on myself! ;)
I also had my first volunteer orientation yesterday at the Performing Arts Centre in which I applied for in October! I am so excited to start volunteering and gaining experience within the industry. Film and theatre have always been my thing, and it's the environment I feel most comfortable in. So getting that opportunity has put me in a positive mood since yesterday, as things are definitely worth waiting for, and my time here has definitely taught me a lesson in patience, which is ongoing. If it is in your heart, you will listen to that and go after it to keep your integrity.
Well, it is 11:45 pm and I have "outletted" myself just as much as I needed to. I will wake up at 6:30 am and do it all over again. Leave by 7:30 and get to work 45 mins early as the buses only run here every hour in my neck of the "woods." Even though I am tired when I awake, I know what has made me tired was how I used my time for my own satisfaction and joy. In the morning I get to look at the quiet mountain side and relax and gain some inspiration before I start to do my grind. I find it helps me settle into my truth.
I will leave you with a quote from Eleanor Roosevelt I came across today, as very fitting of my thoughts today of "Going after what you want."

"Do what you feel in your heart to be right - for you'll be criticized anyway. You'll be damned if you do, and damned if you don't.

Goodnight :)